


you need someone to hold you tight

by stefonzolesky



Series: how to fall in love [3]
Category: Ghostbusters (Movies 1984-1989)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 00:50:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky





	you need someone to hold you tight

Maybe Ray gets too comfortable too fast. Maybe that’s his problem. 

Soon after Peter and Winston found out that he and Egon were dating, Ray had taken it upon himself to replace their two shabby twin beds with one just big enough so that the two of them could both sleep comfortably, without Ray falling out of bed in the middle of the night. It was a step up, and just that made Ray feel like he could have exploded with happiness.

It hadn’t taken him long to realize that he’d grown to need Egon’s touch. There was something comforting in the way Egon’s face felt buried in the back of his neck, and how it felt to wake up in the morning with his boyfriend’s arms around him, knowing he was  _ safe _ .

Night is really the only time that Ray can have Egon close like that.

He tries so hard to be respectful. He really does. Because he loves Egon, and when Egon is happy and comfortable, so is Ray.

Still, something feels… lacking, when they’re just sitting around the firehouse and Egon picks the chair instead of the couch next to Ray, or when Egon doesn’t leave the lab for hours on end -- which Ray is used to, except for the part where he doesn’t come to bed.

“I love him so much it hurts,” He tells Peter one day over lunch, while Egon is working his life away in the lab again. Despite how hesitant he was to tell Peter that he and Egon were dating in the first place, he’s ever thankful now, because Peter is a good listener when it really counts.  _ Only _ when it really counts.

“So?” Peter shrugs, wiping crumbs off his lips with the back of his hand. “Tell him. I mean, I’m sure he knows. Say it in his language.” He clears his throat, his voice warping into a tinny, ridiculous impression as he speaks. “I believe that being around you makes my mood improve greatly. Maybe we should run some tests.”

Ray manages a weak laugh -- it’s not the  _ worst _ idea that Peter’s ever had. He’s still not feeling up to it, though. Or anything for that matter.

“I’m just scared.” He admits, swallowing hard. He takes a sip of his drink in hopes that it will wash the bad taste out of his mouth. “I know he expresses things differently than I do, and I know him well, but --” His voice breaks off. “It’s scary, because I love him so much.”

“You know Egon,” Peter tells him, turning serious. “If you know Egon, and you know him well, you should know that he loves you. Even if he doesn’t really show it. And you should know that if you’re upset or uncomfortable or  _ anything, _ he’d rather you told him than sat with it. He really cares about you, you know. I can tell. Everyone can tell.”

“I’ve told him that I love him,” Ray mumbles. “I tell him so often. I guess I just thought he’d have said it back by now.”

Peter frowns, and while he seems like he’s looking for something helpful to say, he lands on, “Sorry, Stantz. I’m out.”

He stands up, giving Ray a friendly slap on the back. It pounds in his chest.

“Thanks, Venkman,” Ray says, unnaturally bitter. He shakes it off. He’ll be fine.

 

+

 

Eventually, Ray settles into the lab with Egon.

He’s got too much on his brain be of any help, he can’t focus enough to  _ really _ work, but it’s nice to sit and watch Egon in his natural habitat, so into his project that he doesn’t even notice Ray sit down.

“Finding anything interesting?” Ray asks.

Egon jumps, startled. Ray stifles a laugh.

“Jesus, Ray,” Egon mutters.

Ray smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.”

He stands up, rounding the table so that he can stand next to Egon and glance at what he’s doing. He’s sure he could get the hang of it in a few minutes if Egon were to explain it, but at the moment, all Ray can tell is that he’s picking apart a trap.

He goes to wrap his arm around Egon’s waist, but decides better of it. Egon is working. He doesn’t want to risk making his boyfriend uncomfortable in any capacity. Egon glances over at him.

“It’s nothing, really,” He says. “I’m altering some things. Trying to make them more efficient.”

“They’re pretty efficient already,” Ray notes.

“Could be better.”

Now is where Ray would turn Egon’s head and kiss him, but he doesn’t, because he’s scared. He has all this investment and it could backfire any moment if he makes a wrong move.

“I’m gonna go out,” He finally says. “Get some fresh air. Get out of your hair.”

Egon nods, sticking his nose closer to the trap and pushing his glasses back up his face. “Okay.”

Ray nods in return. He goes slowly towards the door, watching Egon work, and then says, “I love you, Egie.” 

Egon looks up at him and smiles bashfully. He doesn’t say anything.

 

+

 

Ray hardly ever doubts himself, but when he does, it’s brutal. He walks around the city until his legs ache and he’s  _ tired _ , but he knows he won’t be able to sleep.

It’s past midnight when he gets back to the firehouse. Peter is awake, watching TV, and as soon as Ray gets in the door, he says, “Egon’s still in the lab.”

Ray nods -- he doesn’t have the energy to say anything -- and trudges towards the bedroom. It’s hard to fall asleep when the bed is empty, but he manages.

 

+

 

Things get  _ weird, _ after that. And not normal Ghostbusters weird. Like, socially, mentally, and almost physically weird. 

Something changes in the environment. The awkwardness between Ray and Egon settles thickly over the whole firehouse, and Ray isn’t even sure that Egon notices.

Maybe it’s all in his head. Either way, it’s eating him from the inside out.  

Egon is usually up and about before Ray even wakes up. This morning is no exception, but Egon hasn’t retreated into the lab quite yet. He’s sitting on one end of the couch, pressed up against the arm while he watches cartoons.

Ray stares at him for a little too long. He decidedly sits down on the other, far end of the couch. Egon feels miles away from him.

They hadn't fallen asleep together in at least a week, and Ray can't help but worry about what all this… weirdness means for them.

“I’m gonna, uh…” Ray coughs into his sleeve. “I’m gonna go do some reading.”

Egon watches him go back to the bedroom. He doesn’t say anything. Ray feels like he’s sinking.

 

+

 

Halfway through his book about Semiramis, Ray hears someone knock on the frame of the bedroom door. He looks up to see Egon, looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. He feels like he’s been punched in the gut. “Egie?” 

Egon coughs awkwardly. “Mind if I come in?”

Ray shakes his head. He shoves a bookmark into his book haphazardly and puts it aside just as Egon sits down on the end of the bed next to him.

Ray stares at Egon. Egon stares at his feet.

“Are you okay?” Egon asks.

Ray almost feels like he can breathe again. He manages a shaky smile and says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You’ve been acting different lately.” Egon places a hand lightly on the small of Ray’s back, and Ray feels a chill run up his spine. “Distant. I thought… something may be wrong, possibly with me. Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Ray promises, but he can barely focus. He wants to sit there with Egon’s hand on his back for the rest of his life. He swallows, hard. “I’ve just been worried.”

“About what?”

“About us.”

Egon withdraws his hand. Ray forces his eyelids open, watching confused lines form in Egon’s face. “Is something wrong with our relationship?”

Ray wants to demand that Egon put his hand back  _ right this fucking second, _ but he doesn’t.

Tears prick at the back of his eyes when he manages to say, “Egon, I love you so much that it hurts sometimes.”

Egon blinks. He pushes his glasses up his nose. Ray can tell that he’s at a loss for words, so he continues.

“I really mean it,” He says. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s just… and I know you don’t mean anything by it, I know you don’t like to initiate contact or anything, but --”

“I’ve missed you,” Egon interrupts, uncharacteristically. Ray feels his chest tighten up, like someone put a weight down on him. “Even just the little things, I’ve missed them. I thought that if you wanted to touch me, you would. So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to push you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

Ray sucks in a shaky breath and laughs. He laughs, and it’s a mixture of sadness and relief and everything he’s felt that’s been pent up since he decided that there’s no way Egon could return all of the love Ray has for him.

“I thought I was making you uncomfortable,” Ray admits sheepishly. “I thought it was too much.”

Egon frowns. He moves his hand to wipe a stray tear from under Ray’s eye. “I’ve known you for long enough, Ray. I know what I signed up for.”

Ray manages a watery smile, and Egon hesitantly, carefully wraps an arm around Ray’s waist.

“I’m glad we talked,” Ray finally says. “I love you. And I’m sorry. For everything.”

Egon shakes his head. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

 

+

 

Eventually, Egon retires himself to the lab again, but it’s more comfortable this time around. The air has been cleared, and Ray has never been more thankful. 

He slinks quietly into the lab and wraps himself around Egon, who doesn’t seem to mind, thank God. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” Egon says simply. He relaxes into Ray’s grip a little, still focused in on a trap in front of him, but he lets one of his arms settle against Ray’s waist. “I’m trying to give this trap more… capacity. I’ve almost got it, I think. I just thought, since things have been getting busier, that we could use some stronger traps. In case something big happens again.”

“You’re probably right.” Ray kisses Egon’s cheek lightly, just a brush of the lips. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I’m not sure,” Egon admits. He picks up a stray wire and stares at it curiously.

Ray nods and says, “I’ll get you some coffee,” because he can tell that this is going to be a long night.

 

+

 

Eventually, Ray falls asleep in a chair across the room from Egon. He isn’t sure when it happens, but he wakes up with a dull ache in his neck and Egon gently prodding him awake. 

“We’re going to bed,” Egon tells him, very matter-of-fact. “You need to lay down. In a bed.”

Ray nods, and he yawns when he stands up, pressing a sleepy kiss to the corner of Egon’s mouth.

“I’m gonna get changed,” He mumbles. “Can’t wear jeans to bed. I’ll meet you in there.”

It’s gotten late, Ray realizes. He has to tiptoe past Winston and Peter’s beds to get to where Egon is laying with a small reading light and Ray’s book about Semiramis.

“Any reason for this?” He whispers, gesturing towards the book.

Ray yawns into his fist. “It was just interesting, ‘s all. She was a sorceress, you know. Allegedly. She tried to raise Ara, an Armenian king, from the dead.”

Egon gives a slight nod and switches off the light, setting it and the book on the table next to the bed. Ray climbs in next to him and settles himself against Egon’s side.

“I’m sorry,” He apologizes again, trying to keep his voice steady and soft. “For how weird I’ve been being lately. You just… you gotta know, you’re not the most expressive person, and I love you, and I’d never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable.”

Egon nods slowly. Ray’s eyes can barely focus in on him in the dark. He settles against Egon’s chest and gives a small sigh. 

“I do love you,” Egon says, quietly. “Even though I tend to not say it. Not as much as you do, and not nearly enough.”

The words take a second to sink in, but as soon as they do, a grin breaks across Ray’s face, full of relief and elation. He grabs Egon’s cheeks lightly and pulls him into a kiss.

When the kiss breaks, and their noses brush together, Ray smiles a lopsided smile and says, “I know you do.”


End file.
